Surprise: we’re expecting!

This announcement is full of a range of emotions for me. I am not able to fit it all into an Instagram caption, so I wanted to share all of my thoughts and feelings here. It gives me space to fully write out how the last several months have gone.

First off, we are absolutely thrilled to be expecting a baby in June. It’s a huge blessing and answer to prayer. You might remember that one year ago, we were mourning the loss of our second pregnancy. The timing of this pregnancy is almost exact to what our last pregnancy was.

As we’ve been keeping this secret since October, I’ve dealt with every emotion you can think of. Anxiety, fear, guilt, excitement, joy, peace, sadness...I could keep going. Pregnancy after loss has mostly been what I expected it to be. I’ve had difficulty getting excited or joyful because I am so fearful of the potential of loss again. I’ve had a hard time sharing with friends because I don’t want to get too excited yet. I don’t want to get too attached because what if I have to say goodbye again? In between appointments with my doctor, my anxiety slowly rises over time. I’ve been anxious and worried about all of it. Even though we heard the heartbeat at 6 weeks and my husband had a dream where God told him I was pregnant, I’ve still been fearful nearly every day. I’ve had to surrender my fears to Him daily and it’s grown my faith in new ways. Even though we are nearly halfway through the pregnancy and my doctor assures me at every appointment: “everything looks perfect!” I still have to pray everyday. I still have to trust His plan.

And at the same time, I’ve felt guilty. Guilty for moving onto another pregnancy. I will always, always miss the baby that we lost. I will always yearn to hold that baby. I will always be marked by that pregnancy and loss. And I feel like being pregnant again is moving on. It feels like I’m shutting the door on that life. While I know that isn’t true, I have still wrestled with the guilt of being pregnant again. While we were mourning the one year anniversary of losing our pregnancy on December 23rd, we were also rejoicing at the new life inside me. Talk about conflicting emotions.

I’ve also kept this pregnancy secret longer than I thought I would because I’ve been nervous and sad about what our announcement could trigger in others. Since sharing about our loss last year, I’ve been able to connect with and mourn with other women who are walking the road of loss, infertility, or who are in a season of waiting. I don’t want our announcement to trigger pain or sadness in anyone. I have loved being a place for women to come to to talk about grief and pain with & I also know that being pregnant and sharing our news will close off some of that communication with others because it will be too painful for those waiting. And that’s okay, but it breaks my heart to know that I will cause someone else pain. I want you to know that you are seen and I’ve been thinking of you.

It feels confusing to rejoice during what feels like a heavy time in our world and in the lives of a lot of people we love. But what I am learning is that at all times in life, there are things to mourn and things to celebrate. And without the celebrations, life would be full of heartache and pain. But, I’ve truly had a hard time getting to a place of celebration. I’m scared of what could happen and I’m sensitive to the fact that our good news could trigger others.

If you are in a season of waiting or grief or loss, here’s what I want to say to you: I don’t know what God is doing in your life or how He is writing your story, but I know that His plan is always better. I couldn’t see it for most of 2019, but I really do know that His plan was better than what I thought life should look like. I remember reading posts telling me exactly what I’m telling you: “just wait, you’ll see. He is good.” And it’s tiring to keep hearing that, but I pray that you will find comfort knowing that He has not forgotten you and He will always reveal His plan to you. I hope that I can still be a picture of hope to you. God has been faithful to us; even in the pain. He has taught me so much and I wouldn’t want to have a different story. I’m grateful for the struggles so I could become who I am today. And I’m so grateful to announce that we are expecting a little babe at the end of June. As I have navigated this pregnancy and all the emotions that have come with it, I truly am grateful and excited. It has just taken more work and surrender to get to a place where I can celebrate and rejoice!

Since I know you’ll probably ask, here’s a few details about this pregnancy:

Due Date: June 28th! My sister’s birthday and three days after mine!

When we found out: October 23rd, the day after my holiday product launch!

Gender: we aren’t finding out! (at least for now)

How I’m feeling: the first trimester was a little rough with constant nausea and gagging plus parenting a very active toddler and running the business during the busiest time of year! But the second trimester has been much easier and I’m feeling a bit more energized (still tired!) and pretty much no nausea anymore!

If you have any other questions, feel free to comment here or send me a DM on Instagram! Love you all so very much!

Here’s a slideshow of few pictures I’ve snapped of myself throughout the last couple months of CRAZY. Not great quality, but it shows the bump GROWING, which makes me so happy.

Surprise: We're expecting!