Pandemic, Pregnancy, and Pregnancy Loss
I’ve received a handful of questions about how I’m dealing with stress about the pandemic during pregnancy on top of running a business. I’ve also been asked a lot about how I dealt with anxiety with this current pregnancy after losing my previous one. So, I thought I would address both questions in one blog post! Consider this a very unorganized stream of consciousness as I try to navigate my own feelings at the same time I write about them.
Pregnancy and the Pandemic
Where do I begin? First, I’ll talk about the Pandemic and how it has affected my pregnancy. Honestly, I feel like most nights I climb into bed and feel very overwhelmed. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. It’s so much more than a Pandemic and with every passing day, I feel so much sadness and grief over *everything* that is going on in the world around this virus. In case you didn’t know, I am a very emotionally driven person and my emotions are a big part of who I am. Currently, I don’t always know how to process everything that is going on, especially with all the pregnancy hormones so very present in my body. :) So, there are days where I feel as though I need to just shut off the emotions so I can cope and function like an adult. However, that leaves me feeling numb and disconnected from myself. As I am sure everyone can understand, there are good days and there are hard days.
For me, the greatest struggle is staying present and focused on what matters. I am one small person in a small town with a family to care for and a business to run. And a baby to grow! I can easily get distracted by everything going on and feel as if I need to have a solution to every single issue...and I can’t. That is hard for me. But what I *can* do is love my family well, care for those around me (as best I can), take care of my business and customers, pray without ceasing, take care of myself and the baby, and rest. It is no help to anyone for me to spiral into a state of anxiety over the current state of the world. When I spiral, I can easily fall into melancholy. Truth be told, I feel sad often right now. I’ve allowed myself space to really feel these feelings and work through them. There are days that are just hard. I allow myself to sit in the sadness, to grieve what I need to grieve, to let myself be bummed. The challenge for me is that I don’t want to constantly reside in that place. So, I have to find ways to spark joy. It can take energy and time, but it’s always worth it. For me, the things that I have most often done to help lifts my spirits are:
Go outside
Pack snacks, a blanket, and a soccer ball and go to an open field for Knox to play
Do a workout
Call or text a close friend
Send a gift to a friend or family member
Buy fresh flowers
It’s impossible to change my circumstances. There are a lot of things out of my control. But I can make choices to create a life and home that spark joy for my little family and for others. And that’s all that I can do. Yes, I have plenty of things that cause me anxiety and yes, I wish a lot of things were different than they are. But it is what it is. And for me, that can sometimes bring me peace. I’m doing what I can and that’s all I can do.
Truth be told, the business and work keeps me really busy right now. So that is a welcome distraction! However, it is a lot of work right now so the exhaustion is another thing I’m dealing with. Overall, I am doing okay! Just working on keeping my head in the right place and making sure I give myself time to rest, relax, and prep for baby girl!
How has it been being pregnant after pregnancy loss?
I’ve been getting this DM in my inbox a lot lately and there’s really no easy answer, truthfully. It’s hard. It’s just hard. Every day is a chance and a choice to choose either anxiety or choose peace. Some days I succeeded, some days I failed. For me, my faith is a huge part of my life so it ultimately came down to trusting God through the entire process. I had to get to a place where I knew that regardless of what happened, God would take care of me. It is hard to get to that place. I suggest doing things to take your mind off the anxiety, thinking about something that “grounds” you (for me that was a dream Joel had that I was pregnant a week before we found out, so I thought about that a lot), doing activities that can distract you (having a toddler helped!), and telling a few close friends who could check on me. The first ultrasound helps A LOT, getting to the second trimester helps even more, and feeling the baby kick really REALLY helps. Even though I am just 6 weeks away from my due date, I still have moments where I get nervous. There could still be something that goes wrong & it’s hard to not dwell on that. Truthfully, I just can’t wait to have her in my arms. But that begins the next journey of learning to trust God with my babies earth side.
NOTE: This blog post is mainly a place for me to share more than I can on Instagram about how I'm doing with everything. I get asked a lot and I want to create a space where people can feel like they aren’t alone in their feelings and hardships. While this post doesn’t provide much tangible advice, I hope it helps you see that you aren’t alone in your hardships and worries. We are in this together, friend!